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Like a mobile device comes with a default software setting which then allows some limited customisation by the user, the human child until puberty, develops his default software setting - a mental, emotional, psychological & philosophical framework for understanding & interacting with the world.
It is a worldview that is largely shaped by his primary observations of the environment around him and by mimicking the behaviour patterns of his parents. The developing child's brain, not yet able to reason and logically question everything, understands these as the basic & true standards and merits the rest of the world has to be measured by.
Often repeated behaviours are the most deeply imbibed by the child , so much so, that his body's hormonal and psychological makeup are attuned to recognise such behaviour as most normal.
This becomes his default setting.
These behaviours are essentially, our methods and processes for achieving our most valued goals in life, observable in everyday practices.
Let's evaluate a common and relatable example from our culture:
A child, observes his parents wanting always to arrive at results as quickly as possible and with least possible effort, in their daily observable lives.
The parents, adopt easy and quick methods to attend to every demand of the child as well.
For instance, if the child is grumpy, with a few taps on the iPad, they can always let him watch animated cartoons or feed him tasty fast food or let him play video games, and doesn't that always make the child calm and happy for hours? Quick and easy eh? Seems like a win-win for the child and the parent.
The child's brain attaches such seriousness to this behaviour that his brain becomes wired to always need speed and convenience in achieving results, to feel satisfied.
Before long, not only has the child learnt to be satisfied immediately whenever grumpiness sets in, he also now believes that he deserves to be satisfied this way. Being entitled is the normal way to achieve anything.
Indicate the desire and it shall be attended to. No wait, no fuss.
Because, if the parents attended to his wishes this way, so must the whole world.
Gone are the days we would make the child struggle with complex mechanical toys or make him wait until the next birthday to buy that special gift or took him to the field to play ball with other kids.
Our fast paced, super busy lifestyles require ease and convenience , adopting the consumer culture has become our basic need.
It's not a sin right?
This culture that seems rather harmless in the short term, ends up shaping our lives such that we become forever consumers with an ever increasing need for: easy, more and varied things and experiences in life.
And despite this chase, our satisfaction level remains temporary and low on average.
And these ‘needs’, they keep growing.
Since nobody can be at rest until satisfied, our chase is no more just for fulfilling wishes, wants and desires of- convenience , pleasure or thrill seeking, but it is now a basic necessity we must constantly keep fulfilling to feel ‘normal’ and alive. These demands are now as basic as food, clothes & shelter. The lack of it, creating a hollow pit within us, akin to death itself.
It's a cycle that keeps us engulfed more and more as our desires become needs and these needs become bigger and insatiable over time.
It is only when we can feel normal, can we focus away from our needs and find time and energy to voluntarily recognize and attend to the needs of any other entity - person, cause or organization.
As children grow up, and interact with the world beyond the safe environment of home, the repercussions he faces due to these entitled & instant gratification tendencies, developed early in life, are dire and consequential.
At an interpersonal level, for instance, the pre-requisite for developing deep bonds with other people is investing energy and time in them, from thinking about them to solving their problems to acting for their benefit.
For a person self absorbed and focused so much on attending to his never-ending needs, it's not possible to look beyond himself, and do anything for the other.
He is now, what we can safely call “selfish” and therefore devoid of empathy, regardless of his intentions. His best intentions will not have the strength to trump his overarching tendency of remaining only a receiver. He cannot essentially become a giver.
Developing deep bonds, loyalty, seasoned friendships & commaraderie borne off mutual suffering and struggles, long term companionships, are now impossible for someone who was raised on a parenting model of instant gratification and entitlement.
Unless, he undertakes the uneasy and inconvenient task of reparenting himself from scratch.
He will need to change, his default setting.
