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On October 1, 2025, a painful incident at home shattered my sense of safety. A disagreement with my husband escalated in front of our two young children, ages six and four. In that tense moment, I felt shock, sadness, and confusion. My instinct was to protect my children and prevent further harm. Though fear and anger surged, I chose to pause, breathe, and hold back an immediate reaction. That choice to steady myself became my first step in self-management.
Self-management, one of the four core domains of Emotional Intelligence, is the ability to regulate emotions, impulses, and behaviors in moments of stress (Goleman, 1995; Mayer, Caruso, & Salovey, 2016). When conflict triggers the brain’s amygdala, the body releases cortisol, raising heart rate and fueling fight-or-flight reactions (Sapolsky, 2004). This can overwhelm the prefrontal cortex, the region that governs judgment and impulse control. Research shows that deliberate strategies such as slow breathing and cognitive reappraisal engage the prefrontal cortex, helping to calm the amygdala and lower stress hormones (Gross, 2015; Troy, Wilhelm, Shallcross, & Mauss, 2013).
In that moment, I relied on slow breathing and shifted my thoughts toward protecting my children. I waited until my emotions settled before speaking. This experience taught me that self-management is not about suppressing emotions but guiding them toward constructive action. By caring for our own emotional well-being, we can shield those around us and create the possibility of healing, even in the midst of turmoil.
Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ. Bantam Books.
Gross, J. J. (2015). Emotion regulation: Current status and future prospects. Psychological Inquiry, 26(1), 1–26. https://doi.org/10.1080/1047840X.2014.940781
Mayer, J. D., Caruso, D. R., & Salovey, P. (2016). The ability model of emotional intelligence: Principles and updates. Emotion Review, 8(4), 290–300. https://doi.org/10.1177/1754073916639667
Sapolsky, R. M. (2004). Why zebras don’t get ulcers: The acclaimed guide to stress, stress-related diseases, and coping (3rd ed.). Holt.
Troy, A. S., Wilhelm, F. H., Shallcross, A. J., & Mauss, I. B. (2013). Seeing the silver lining: Cognitive reappraisal ability moderates the relationship between stress and depressive symptoms. Emotion, 13(5), 927–931. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0033574
